The answer should be yes. Not "how can I get my loved one help?"

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Race Conversations

The Race Conversation

President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the 1964 Civ...

President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the 1964 Civil Rights Act as Martin Luther King, Jr., and others, look on. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This isn’t a Black Lives Matter post, yet it is.  Does that make sense?

Today, we had a meeting with David at his school because he got caught hacking the school network and surfing pornography during class time.  His punishment is loss of technology privileges for the rest of the semester. In addition he has two days of in school suspension.  The suspension has to be successful without redirects from the school principal.  He will have redirects from the teacher, this is a given, but if the principal gets involved, then his day in suspension won’t count.  Make sense?

I have no issues with that.  All of this is merely the setup for the conversation I had to have with him.

The Conversation

David wasn’t expecting to see me today.  I happened to be in the city near his facility and school, so stopped to see him and talk to the staff.

We pulled David into the office, we didn’t add to his punishment.

Where I started our conversation was with the basics of what a computer crime is.  Because hacking the school network like he did is a crime.  He could be cited for that by law enforcement.  The school is not doing that at this point.

We talked about race.  David is African-American.

I explained that he needed to be better.  There are people in the world who might see him as a criminal and put him in jail for a long time in part because of his race.  Also, there are people who wouldn’t think twice about hurting him for that same fact.  He will have to be extra careful to stay out of trouble simply because of his race.  If he is told to stop, he needs to stop.

During the conversation, the principal interjected comments, and I made sure to note that the school isn’t going to cause him problems because of his race, and that he should talk to other African-American staff members to get their outlook and opinion.

In truth, he could live his whole life and never have issues because of his race.  But it is something he definitely needs to be aware of.

We explained to him that we see David the person, not David the African-American.  Not everyone will see him that same way.

Race Matters

David is the only member of our family who is African-American.  Growing up, my dad was married to a Native American.  I am aware of racial undertones.  Not as aware as someone who is African-American or Native American, but my worry is ever present.

I also talked with David about his adoption.  He has always known that he is adopted.  As he gets older, he will have questions about that.  He understands that he can come to me with questions.  As an adoptee, I understand what he will go through and the questions that he will have.

I pray that he never needs to worry about his race.  He needs to be aware of the world today.  And I find that incredibly sad. Reality shows us something entirely different and that he needs to be aware of the realities of life.

Was I wrong for saying something?  His life matters.  All lives matter.  We have come so far since the Civil War, yet we have so much further to go.  I don’t pretend to know what it is to be African-American.  My fear is that one day, I’ll answer the door only to be told that my son refused to respond to commands and was killed.  Or that he committed some crime and is now on his way to jail.

We continue to hold him accountable for his behaviors.

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some lessons need to be learned…

B is for BreakfastSome lessons need to be learned the hard way I guess.

At breakfast David was in his usual mood.   I always get irritated when the he puts an empty cereal container back in the cupboard.  I told him that it bugs me.

“But dad, there is cereal still in there!”  he said.

So I shook the container.  There was cereal alright.  Four or five pieces.

“That reminds me, another boy bought me a sausage and egg sandwich yesterday morning for breakfast.  I’ll have to eat that on the way to school.”  David stated.

I replied, “no, that is not a good idea, and you will get sick.”

David argues, “But dad, it was still wrapped.”

So mom and I both explained about food poisoning.  I don’t think he listened.

As I signed his daily report card, with him watching, we again extolled the concept that food, wrapped or not, that has been sitting in a van all day on a warm afternoon isn’t any good.

Not two minutes later, David asked, “Dad, did you sign my report card?”

grrrrr…..

Can a marriage survive a special needs child?

“How to be a Dad” Click on the image to go that blog. Thanks to J.K. for info about the source.

How about a family that has more than one child with special needs?

While I can’t speak for every family, I would say that a marriage can survive, but… always a but..

There has to be communication.

What follows is my 10 point list for marriage with special needs kids in the family.

  1. Communication
  2. Private time.
  3. Date time.
  4. Family time.
  5. Understand the needs of the family.
  6. Understand the needs of the spouse or significant other.
  7. Apologize when necessary.
  8. Love
  9. Laugh often
  10. Personal time.

Communication

No marriage can survive without communication.  Communicate, communicate, Communicate. Oh yeah, did I say Communicate?  Good morning, Good evening, hello, are the beginnings, but if that is all that your communication entails, you need to step it up a notch.  Communication with your spouse can be as simple as a caress.  A hug.  A smile.  Communication isn’t just about talking, though that is important too.  Communication is about sharing your life with someone.  Communication is just the beginning.

Private Time

Private time.  Take it in the form you wish. Private time isn’t just sex.  Making love.  Private time is that time when it is just you and your spouse.  Private time.  Use it wisely.

When David is home, I sleep in his room with him.  I do this so that I can keep track of him.  Why?  Because he doesn’t sleep like a normal boy.  He can be awake for 24, 36, and 48 hours.  And not even begin to slow down.  By sleeping in his room I make it possible for others in the family to get restful sleep.

Private time for us is when my wife and I get a chance to lay on the bed and watch a movie together.  Private time is about being.  Being together and just enjoying the other persons company.  Private time often can be interrupted by the children.

Date Time

Date time is just what it sounds like.  A time where the complete focus is on the partners enjoyment of the day or evening.  Date time can be as simple as  a lunch date or as complex as a 4 course meal at the finest restaurant followed by an evening of dancing or theater.  Date time doesn’t include the children.

Family Time

For our family, family time is all about enjoying time together as a family.  For our family, this starts in the evening as a family meal.  Only extenuating circumstances such as extracurricular activities or medical appointments can interrupt family time.  Family time involves a lot of laughter, a time for reflection and sharing about the day.  Sharing the joys of the day as well as the frustrations.

Understand the needs of the family

We have five children.  Understanding the needs of a large family group is more involved than understanding the needs of a family with one or two children.  It can be a juggling act.  The needs of the family has to balance.  We have two children who are neuro-typical.  They don’t have special needs.  Understanding their needs is paramount to achieving family harmony.  Why?  Because like it or not, they share a burden in successful family time.  Especially when they are the older children in the family.  They might help prepare a family meal.  They might assist with feeding a child.  So many things.  Special attention needs to be paid to them so that they know how important they are to the family, and how much they are valued as individuals.  They also may need to be told at times that they are not the parents.  Don’t expect them to parent your child.  That is your job, not theirs.

Understand the needs of the spouse or significant other

My wife and I have differing needs.  When we lived in the city, I was the employed parent.  Since we have moved to a rural community, she is the employed parent.  Part of the reasoning for this is because I am on disability.  Thus, she spends less time with the kids than I do.  Is that good? or bad?  The answer isn’t simple.  It is neither good nor bad.  It just is.  While we lived in the city, there were more opportunities to allow my wife to just get out of the house for a few minutes and go do something by herself.  In our rural community, unless you hang out at the bar, or visit friends, there aren’t a lot of options.  Such is life.  Deal with it.  There were times when I would come home from work, we would have our family dinner, and I would send my wife out of the house.  By herself.  Why?  She needed some time just for her.  I couldn’t begrudge her that time.  I welcomed it. I embraced it.  Now, even though she works all day, and sometimes, can be seen sitting at our kitchen table working long into the evening, I still try to give her opportunities to have time for herself.  Whether this means sending her to the city to spend the weekend with her sister, or a simple trip to the grocery store, it gives her a chance to recharge her batteries even if only for a few minutes.

Apologize when necessary

Sometimes, the best conversation start is three simple words.  I am sorry.  You don’t have to be at fault to apologize.  You have to recognize the need to acknowledge hurt feelings.  Apologize when necessary.

Love

Love isn’t sex.  Sex isn’t love.  Never hesitate to tell someone that you love them.  Never hesitate to show them that you love them.  Surprise them with a simple treat.  My wife loves Twin Bing candy bars.  So I sneak them into her car.  She drives 20 miles one way for work each day, so it is a treat for her when she is on her way home.  She also loves Peach Ring candies.  So when I go to the drug store each week, I snag her a bag or two.  It is a simple treat that tells her I was thinking about her.  Have you showed your love to your spouse?  If so how?  Let us know in a comment on our site.

Laugh Often

Laugh often.  It is a simple thing, and can make everyone feel good.  I am not talking about laughing at the expense of someone, laughter releases endorphins, endorphins make us feel good.  Nothing is more fun in our house than family time.  The kids are quick to share a new joke, to laugh at the cat or dog.  Sometimes our dinner table conversations can get pretty wild, but in the end, their is always laughter.

Personal Time

Personal time is not Private Time.  Personal time fits right in with understanding the needs of the spouse.  Every one needs personal time.  Most special needs parents can tell stories of the kids that follow us even into the bathroom.  Fingers waving under the door, the constant chant, momma momma momma.  The crash of something falling off the table because we took a little too much time in the bathroom.  Personal time is that little bit of acknowledged time when it is all ours.  No distractions.

Really.  No distractions?

Where did I put my crayon?

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