Author Archives: David's Father

Transforming Parenthood

Transform Parenting Styles – Measures taken to embrace new ideas

It’s been forever since we posted about David, and this is a result of our decision to transform how we saw parenthood. Specifically parent hood of David. The decision to transform was easy, actually beginning to transform our parenting styles was much more difficult. This post is about what that looks like for us, for David and for our family. Readers may remember that David came home in January of this year. During the last months of his stay in the care facility, we heard repeatedly that they had cured him. An adjective that we frequently heard was how

“Super-Awesome”

he is.

Beginning in November of last year, mom and I began discussing how we could adapt our parenting to David’s needs.  Because honestly, what is hugely important to mom and I, has no bearing to David and his life. Those things that impact neuro-typical kids one way will impact him in an entirely different way.

As a result of the damage caused by the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, David doesn’t process most things like the average kid.  Part of trans-formative parenting is the ability to acknowledge this. To embrace it. To accept it.

transform word cloudWhat does this look like?

In our home it’s a minor thing, as all of his siblings are either away at college, or starting their own families.  When we brought David home we informed the school that he was rather adept at taking things, such as cell phones, without permission. For two months we didn’t have any reports of theft.

Then it happened. A report that someone’s cell phone was missing.  David was the alleged culprit. The school resource officer met with him after the school principal had done so, and he continued to deny the theft. He denied it for three days. He isn’t dishonest on purpose. Seriously. It’s a symptom of his disability. Yes, we hold him accountable.

In the end, the phone was recovered, David was charged with two crimes. Theft, and lying to law enforcement.  He had to report to juvenile court where he was found to have potential to repeat the crime. They determined this after testing.  (We could have told them that without testing.)

David was dearly afraid he’d get hauled away to juvenile hall or another facility.  We stood with him.

Two months later we have experienced no other incidents of theft. In the coming posts, I’ll discuss the how and why of that.  Because the power of our transformation was incredible for his mother and I.

I admit, there are times when both mom and I revert to our old ways, but we do recover.  We are all much happier with this version of our life.

We aren’t done by a long shot, but admitting that will be one of the keys to long term success.

Part of our transformation as parents came from reading two books. The first, Born Broken by Kristin Berry. The second came later, Confessions of an Adoptive Parent.  There were a number of other books that I began reading and am working my way thru. Books such as The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. I have also read a lot of information about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES).

There are so many books to read, I prefer mine on the Kindle as much as possible. I don’t make any money off the mention of any of these books or products.

One more thing.  If you have time, I strongly recommend you browse over to Confessions of an Adoptive Parent.  Mike and Kristin get it. They get it because they have lived experience.

more to come.

Reblog – Pledged our Love

What I’d whisper to our younger selves: “You can’t fix what can’t be fixed but your love, this love, is the foundation on which futures depend. You can do it.” #FASD #Hope

via Our Nine Million Moments of Marriage — FASD: Learning with Hope

Symptoms v. Behaviors

Symptoms. Behaviors.

What is the difference when you are speaking about a child?

Since, I like to be clear what I am talking about, let’s go to the dictionary site merriam-webster.com to see what they say about the word symptom.

Definition of symptom

1 a : subjective evidence of disease or physical disturbance; broadly : something that indicates the presence of bodily disorder
b : an evident reaction by a plant to a pathogen
2 a : something that indicates the existence of something else

  • symptoms of an inner turmoil
b : a slight indication : trace

Then we look to meriam-webster.com to see what they also have to say about the word behavior.

Definition of behavior

1 : the way in which someone conducts oneself or behaves (see behave 1)

  • We were grateful for the gracious behavior of our hostess.
  • The children were rewarded for good behavior.
  • Be on your best behavior.

; also : an instance of such behavior

  • unacceptable social behaviors
2 a : the manner of conducting (see 2conduct 4) oneself

  • criminal behavior
  • normal adolescent behavior
b : anything that an organism does involving action and response to stimulation
c : the response of an individual, group, or species to its environment

  • They are studying the behavior of elephants in the wild.
3 : the way in which something functions or operates

  • They tested the behavior of various metals under heat and pressure.

Interesting definitions.  One implies a level of control. Can you guess which one?  One implies a reaction based on environment or other factors.

Let’s couple this with a mental health issue.  I’ll use David as an example.  He has severe ADHD.  He can stay awake for two and three days at a time. He also has obsessive compulsive disorder, and autism, and fetal alcohol syndrome.

A small part of each of the last three conditions, is a strong fight or flight instinct.  Strong is the best adjective.  Basically what it means is,if you put your hands on him, you better be prepared for one of two things to happen, he will either hurt you, or run very far – very fast.  In the past, he’d get a “look in his eye” as the school so eloquently put it, and they would move to restrain him.  At the age of 8, he was throwing furniture around the classroom in self-defense, lashing out at those who would try to restrain him for no reason that he could comprehend.   (Note:  I am not making excuses for my son.  we hold him accountable for things, but we do it differently for symptoms. Either way, he knows that his response, be it a symptom or a behavior, may not be appropriate)   It’s basic cause and effect, if you cause him turmoil, he will have an immediate effect on your world.  It’s based on symptomology.

If you look up any condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) you will see a list of symptoms.

I guess what I am trying to say is this:  Before we rule that a child’s reaction to stimuli is a behavior, maybe we need to take into account, ANY and ALL diagnoses that the child may have.  Perhaps, if an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) isn’t already in place, steps should be taken to develop one.  After all, don’t we want what is best for the child exhibiting the symptoms?  Shouldn’t we want the best for the child regardless of whether it’s a symptom or a behavior?     I challenge every parent, educator and advocate to familiarize themselves with the following terms: IDEA, LRE, IEP, 504, Due Process.

And one last thought.  If a child takes medication for one or more conditions, he/she is being treated for symptoms, not behaviors.  Just because they aren’t taking a medication for a condition, doesn’t mean they don’t have symptoms.