adoption Archives - Page 2 of 14 - Fighting for Answers

Don’t give up on me.

With those few words, “Don’t give up on me.” David ended our phone call tonight.

Dad, don’t give up on me.

I assure him each time that I won’t. He is our son and will always be our son. See today he admitted to assaulting his mom. If he had been adult, he would have been guilty of a felony.

Look closely, this is not what people with developmental disabilities should go through

As it is, he is in a detention center where he has been since March 27th. On Friday he will move to what is called a safe bed, which will allow him a bit more freedom, as well as a chance to get back on his medication. (why the detention center for youth doesn’t give him his medications like they are prescribed is a fight for another day). Then next Tuesday, he will be moving to a Youth Home in another city.

See. For the longest time, we (his whole team) has referred to his condition as a mental illness. And really, it’s more than that.

It’s a developmental disability. His brain was harmed during development. There is no “cure” for that. There is maintenance and long term support. His condition is known as FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) it’s a condition visited upon him by his birth mom. Because she chose to do drugs and drink while she was pregnant. He went through withdrawals immediately after birth.

So with the upcoming placement we are hoping that he will get support. That he will again stabilize and become the best version of himself that he can be. He knows his brain is different.

Seeing him locked in the detention center has been difficult. To have him in waist chains and handcuffs is very difficult to see. This is not where he needs to be. In truth, there isn’t really a place for the kids like him, kids who will grow into adulthood without a place in their world where they can be the best version of themselves. Places that aren’t jail.

He needs ongoing support. His executive functioning isn’t what the average person has, and he needs an external subconscious telling him to think about what he is doing. To reconsider the actions he is undertaking. This is done with staff support.

Don’t give up on me.

It’s not free. It’s not cheap. But for his world, it will be infinitely better than being in jail. In jail, he will be even more vulnerable to the influences of more “powerful forces and people” who would take advantage of him. He desperately wants friends, even though he really doesn’t understand the concept. The people he calls his friends are not good for him, and influence him to do things that are wrong. Support staff can help with that.

I could see David being a video game tester. He could be very successful at that, and he would never have to leave his house to do it. Success for David will look very different from what his peers will experience. And you know what?

That’s okay. Nothing wrong with that.

So David. I say this to you.

We won’t give up on you. Don’t you give up on you either.

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Breaking hearts, practicing tough love with our son

Breaking our hearts to practice tough love with David.
He called home for the first time since he was placed in detention. Full of tears, and a story about how he banished the bad version of himself.
Breaking Hearts

Cook County Juvenile Detention Facility & Court (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the first hearing, he didn’t want to talk to us. During the second, he said hello.

He isn’t happy there in the detention center. Nothing to do and in bed by 6pm. He claims they won’t let him read or do anything. And he can’t visit with peers.

We can go visit him for an hour on Sunday. In order to visit, we have to give 24 hours notice.

He told me that he wasn’t getting his medicine. I talked to the staff and they said he wasn’t in compliance. So tomorrow, I’ll find out what that means. Because he needs his medicine and will have all sorts of problems if they don’t give it to him. So tomorrow, a Saturday, I’ll start trying to unravel that issue.

No contact from staff.

Why didn’t the detention center call and talk to me about a problem with his medicine? Or talk to his lawyer about it? Or his advocate who has talked to David more than I have this week. It will be difficult to do anything about it on the weekend.

Monday, I hope to get his psychiatrist and case manager to make sure that they have the medicine for him that he needs.

Super frustrated with so much about this experience, but we are staying the course.

David claims that he has banished the bad version of himself. That he will never assault anyone, or become violent again. He apologized for his behavior.

He said this before when he tried to crash our van on the highway two years ago. That same summer when he attacked me with the shovel he said the same thing. “I’ll never do it again.”

There was the time he threatened to stab me to death with a knife, and then when he said he was going to beat me with a stick. So, I am hesitant to believe him. If we cave and bring him home, we are showing compassion. If we cave and bring him home without consequence and then this happens again, what are we showing him? We forgive, and it happens again. So our breaking hearts are practicing tough love. You can forgive things that happen, but you never forget. The fear stays with you, like the smell of a dead skunk on the highway stays with you 20 miles after you have passed it.

This parenting this is sure hard.

Why did it happen after two years? Simple, he was in facility care. He had support staff all the time. Other than mentor support 10 hours a week, he doesn’t get support. Professionals claim he doesn’t need support.That he is getting all of the services that he needs. When he comes home from care, we have what we call a honeymood. It’s the period where things are golden.

My contention is that if he had support staff, Monday would have never happened.

Now, if we could only believe his apology. So many apologies over the years for the things he has done. For the attacks, both physical and verbal. I wish I could do like the facility recommended, and put the past behind me. To not let it hold over us, a fear of our son. Mom and I are in tears over this situation.

He needs to understand that there is acceptable behavior. Violence is not acceptable behavior. And for those who would argue that we shouldn’t let him play violent video games, or watch violent television. We don’t. On his x-box, he plays basketball. The most violent show he watches is NCIS.

Let us be clear. We don’t believe that the justice system is the place to get mental health care.

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The Hard Decision

I title this post “The Hard Decision” because we have had to make a difficult decision.

We made the decision to not bring David home on pass.

An expert in David’s disorder has recommended for safety reasons that David not come home.

So we have made the decision to refuse passes. At 15, as much as the facility would try to have us believe otherwise, David just doesn’t care.

I doubt that anyone at the facility has any idea just how difficult it is to do something like this. We have anguished about this decision since the recommendation first came from the doctor. If David was the only one we were concerned about, it would be a no-brainer to us, and we would bring him home all the time on pass. But without support at home, we just can’t put everyone at risk that way.

Put aside your fear

We were told to put aside our fear.

My question is this: How?

How do I forget him trying to beat me with a shovel? When will I forget him trying to crash the vehicle we were driving in because he was angry? How do I forget that he admittedly tried to kill our family pets, and those of his respite provider?

Can you forget?

I don’t honestly know what is going to happen when he is discharged. We are working on a plan of some kind, but I can’t share that here yet.

It’s not a simple thing to say no to a loved one, especially over the holidays, when we are all about family.

It is also incredibly easy for the facility to blame his behaviors on us not bringing him home on pass. If only that was the whole reason for him to behave this way. If that was the answer, don’t you think we would bend over backwards to keep him out of care?

We did that for the first 10 years of his life. For us, it’s a multifaceted reason. His mental health, his disability, my health, the mental health of the rest of the family, and so much more. Putting ideas into his head will not help him get better.

Where will you be?

I get that it is your job to advocate for him. What do you think my role is? We are both working toward the same goal, but remember, long after you have left the team, I will still be his father. I will still be fighting for him and what is best for him. Where will you be?