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I am bored and this is fun.

32-p1Today, I had the rare opportunity to have a frank talk with David.  We talked about everything from sunshine to cats.  We talked about his favorite movie, Heaven is for Real.

We talked about dogs, rain, basketball (though I am by no means knowledgeable) and we talked behaviors.

We talked about how he likes being at home.

When asked about being home, David candidly stated “I don’t think I am a home person, I don’t do very well here.”

I asked him if he thought a facility would be better, and he stated “I don’t like facilities because I can’t get my permit at 14.”

So we talked about behaviors and driving permits.

I explained that sometimes, behaviors limit the extracurricular activities that we enjoy.

He understands that.

I gradually turned the conversation back to behaviors.

I asked one very telling question, not expecting a response.  “Why do you do the things that you do?”

He said “because I am bored, and it is fun.”

I asked him to explain, and he said sometimes when he is bored, and there is nothing to do, he does things just because there is nothing else to do.  Like sports.

Not sure what that means, but it is telling where his is mentally.  How can hurting people that we are close to be fun?

So I talked about facilities.  He is aware that it is a possibility that he will end up in a facility.  His only concern is that he won’t get to see us.  He knows I submitted the paperwork, and that we have already received notification of denials from in-state facilities.  I explained that whether or not he gets placed is largely up to his behaviors.

We don’t expect perfection.  We expect him to try.  So he promised to try.

It is rare that I get to have any conversation with my son, even though we spend about 20 hours a day together.  He doesn’t sit still long enough to talk, and this morning he did.

At the end of the period when he began to get restless, I gave him a hug, thanked him for talking to me, and told him how much I loved him.  It was a rare moment when I actually believed him when he told me “I love you too Dad.”

Never take away hope.  There always is hope, if we don’t have it then what will the world be like?

Oh, I asked him if he sometimes sees people other than us in the room.  Yes. “But they don’t bother him.”

every day. a struggle

WafflesI am exhausted.  Mentally.

he will push until I respond.  when I refuse to acknowledge him, he pushes harder.

When I snap and yell at him, he is happy.  Then he says, why are you yelling?  You shouldn’t yell like that dad, it’s not healthy.

So I tell him to sit and eat.

No.  Not hungry.

So I go to put his dishes in the sink, so I can wash them, since I am doing dishes anyway.  Now he is hungry.

If I move in any direction where he might be, he acts as if I am going to chase him.  If I am close to him, he acts like I am going to hit him.

You would think, I beat him severely.  I don’t.  Quite frankly, I don’t think that it would make any difference if I did.

It’s sad, I sit here with my headphones on, music on.  because he is trying to bait me, and I don’t want him to.  He gets up in my grill because he can’t find the remote.  The remote has a specific place in our living room.  He knows that, yet absolutely refuses to return it there when he gets done turning the channel.  So consequently, we all end up searching for it on a regular basis.

Is the frustration of my own making?

I could send him outside, and in reality, I should.  But then what would he get into?  Or should I leave him to his own devices, come what may?

He asked last night about me sending him to a care facility again.  I tell him that he controls whether or not he gets to stay home.  If his behaviors are largely positive, then he will stay.  The course of his life is determined by his behavior.  Sadly, by the next day he has forgotten all about that conversation and is back to the behaviors.  Yet the behaviors, while enough to make any person feel like they are losing their mind, aren’t bad enough to get him a placement.

If I take him to safe bed for behaviors, I worry that he will jump out of the vehicle.  It is a 90 mile drive to safe bed.  I can get the Sheriff to transport if necessary.

Until tomorrow, when we go through this again.

some lessons need to be learned…

B is for BreakfastSome lessons need to be learned the hard way I guess.

At breakfast David was in his usual mood.   I always get irritated when the he puts an empty cereal container back in the cupboard.  I told him that it bugs me.

“But dad, there is cereal still in there!”  he said.

So I shook the container.  There was cereal alright.  Four or five pieces.

“That reminds me, another boy bought me a sausage and egg sandwich yesterday morning for breakfast.  I’ll have to eat that on the way to school.”  David stated.

I replied, “no, that is not a good idea, and you will get sick.”

David argues, “But dad, it was still wrapped.”

So mom and I both explained about food poisoning.  I don’t think he listened.

As I signed his daily report card, with him watching, we again extolled the concept that food, wrapped or not, that has been sitting in a van all day on a warm afternoon isn’t any good.

Not two minutes later, David asked, “Dad, did you sign my report card?”

grrrrr…..