The answer should be yes. Not "how can I get my loved one help?"

Category Archives: anxiety

The Hard Decision

I title this post “The Hard Decision” because we have had to make a difficult decision.

We made the decision to not bring David home on pass.

An expert in David’s disorder has recommended for safety reasons that David not come home.

So we have made the decision to refuse passes.  At 15, as much as the facility would try to have us believe otherwise, David just doesn’t care.

I doubt that anyone at the facility has any idea just how difficult it is to do something like this.  We have anguished about this decision since the recommendation first came from the doctor.  If David was the only one we were concerned about, it would be a no-brainer to us, and we would bring him home all the time on pass.  But without support at home, we just can’t put everyone at risk that way.

Put aside your fear

We were told to put aside our fear.

My question is this:  How?

How do I forget him trying to beat me with a shovel?  When will I forget him trying to crash the vehicle we were driving in because he was angry?  How do I forget that he admittedly tried to kill our family pets, and those of his respite provider?

Can you forget? 

I don’t honestly know what is going to happen when he is discharged.  We are working on a plan of some kind, but I can’t share that here yet.

It’s not a simple thing to say no to a loved one, especially over the holidays, when we are all about family.

It is also incredibly easy for the facility to blame his behaviors on us not bringing him home on pass.  If only that was the whole reason for him to behave this way.  If that was the answer, don’t you think we would bend over backwards to keep him out of care?

We did that for the first 10 years of his life. For us, it’s a multifaceted reason.  His mental health, his disability, my health, the mental health of the rest of the family, and so much more.  Putting ideas into his head will not help him get better.

Where will you be?

I get that it is your job to advocate for him.  What do you think my role is?  We are both working toward the same goal, but remember, long after you have left the team, I will still be his father.  I will still be fighting for him and what is best for him.  Where will you be?

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Anxiety high, as we near discharge for David

Anxiety

In a little more than a month, David will return from his fifth placement in six years.  As a result, we are on edge.  Anxiety in people who are already in a heightened state of upset is not good. 

we hope and pray for peace for David, as he struggles with mental illness

We are told that things will be different this time.

By the admissions of the staff where he is, David needs constant redirects.

Last Spring, a psychologist associated with the agency diagnosed David with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.  This is in addition to the Reactive Attachment, Severe Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Conduct Disorder that he already had.

The Specialist

So I arranged to see a specialist in August so we could get specific recommendations regarding future care planning for David.

Don’t live in the past

We aren’t supposed to live in the past where David tried to kill me.  Where David stole from everyone in the family and a couple of the neighbors.  We aren’t supposed to live in the past with the verbal abuse toward each of us.  The violent outbursts.  The lies to social workers that resulted in investigations from Children and Family Services.

So we prepare.  Unlike the last time he was discharged, we have more notice.  It’s not helping us with our anxiety.

We are supposed to do more home passes, more visits.  They are going to write down their tips for dealing with David when he needs redirection or is invading personal space.  Will that help our anxiety?

We are going against the recommendations of the specialist that we saw in August who said that David needs a supported living environment.  We are trying to apply for services in the Developmental Disabilities realm, but that takes time.

What is painfully clear is that when he comes home, he will not have the same level of services that he had last year when he was home.  We hope and pray that he has improved in his mental health.

I live with a couple of chronic health issues that are affected by stress.  Anxiety like this isn’t helping.

Prayers

We hope and pray that he doesn’t feel the need to steal everything from his siblings, mom or I.  or that he won’t try to kill me again.

Mostly, we hope and pray for peace for David, as he struggles with mental illness. He deserves a chance, but then, doesn’t the rest of the family deserves to feel safe.

so while we prepare for him to come home, we also are attempting to find more care for him.  As much as I want to believe that he has matured past his mental illness, I just don’t believe that it is possible or realistic.  Only time will tell.

For all of the families struggling with mental illness, a prayer for each of you.  That you may find and experience peace.

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Destroying Success – please pray that we aren’t

I title this post “Destroying Success” for a simple fact.

English: Causal loop diagram - system archetyp...

English: Causal loop diagram – system archetype “Success to successful” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David has been in facility based care before.  He has been discharged from such a care to home three times out of the 5 placements he has had.  Each time home has resulted in behaviors so volatile that he experiences frequent trips to the mental health unit at the hospital in the city, frequent visits by law enforcement and many trips to safe bed.

By volatile, I mean violent aggressive behaviors, not to mention stealing, forging and other activities like trying to kill pets.

So he transitioned to his current placement in late June of this year.

He is successful.  He is always successful in placement.  Sure he has rough periods, but what teen doesn’t?  Heck, I would wonder what was wrong if he didn’t have rough periods.  So why would you destroy the safe world that he is in right now by sending him home?

I get least restrictive environment.  Believe me, I know what the phrase means.  When it comes to the success or failure of his life experience, I would much rather see him be successful.  Right now success occurs in care.

Today we were told that since the goal of the new placement is reunification, that if we didn’t bring him home for passes and visits, then they would just discharge him.  Passes and visits aren’t the issue here, the issue is two fold.

If he gets violent.  What do we do?  The only people he regularly attacks are family.  We call law enforcement.  Sure.  Great.  If they are on the other side of the county it can take them an hour to respond.

So they say we can bring him back early, if we have difficulty or he misbehaves.  Right?!  because transporting an angry, upset and hurt child 60 miles is a good idea?  Hey, lets get law enforcement to do it.  Because they are mental health professionals – right?!

I know. I am making excuses.

The other issue.  David knows exactly what he has to do to get out of care. How can they not see that?  He was discharged 18 months ago from a facility against doctors orders because insurance and medicaid wouldn’t cover.

I get that he isn’t exhibiting behaviors, and really, I am quite happy that he is doing so well.  But please, for his sake, don’t sabotage that.

In fairness to David, we, meaning both at home, and him in the facility, really need to work on our communication skills.

So we are going to try.

We will bring him home on pass.  Please pray that he continues to be successful.  Because in the end, all I want is for him to be able to live a happy well rounded life that is generally trouble free.  Don’t be destroying success because he doesn’t fit your mold of what should be in your facility.  I don’t know that this is what staff are doing, but he really hasn’t been there long enough to get an idea of who David really is.  Right now he allows them to see what they need to see.  Hear what they need to hear.

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