parenting Archives - Fighting for Answers

Transforming Parenthood

Transform Parenting Styles – Measures taken to embrace new ideas

It’s been forever since we posted about David, and this is a result of our decision to transform how we saw parenthood. Specifically parent hood of David. The decision to transform was easy, actually beginning to transform our parenting styles was much more difficult. This post is about what that looks like for us, for David and for our family. Readers may remember that David came home in January of this year. During the last months of his stay in the care facility, we heard repeatedly that they had cured him. An adjective that we frequently heard was how

“Super-Awesome”

he is.

Beginning in November of last year, mom and I began discussing how we could adapt our parenting to David’s needs. Because honestly, what is hugely important to mom and I, has no bearing to David and his life. Those things that impact neuro-typical kids one way will impact him in an entirely different way.

As a result of the damage caused by the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, David doesn’t process most things like the average kid. Part of trans-formative parenting is the ability to acknowledge this. To embrace it. To accept it.

transform word cloud What does this look like?

In our home it’s a minor thing, as all of his siblings are either away at college, or starting their own families. When we brought David home we informed the school that he was rather adept at taking things, such as cell phones, without permission. For two months we didn’t have any reports of theft.

Then it happened. A report that someone’s cell phone was missing. David was the alleged culprit. The school resource officer met with him after the school principal had done so, and he continued to deny the theft. He denied it for three days. He isn’t dishonest on purpose. Seriously. It’s a symptom of his disability. Yes, we hold him accountable.

In the end, the phone was recovered, David was charged with two crimes. Theft, and lying to law enforcement. He had to report to juvenile court where he was found to have potential to repeat the crime. They determined this after testing. (We could have told them that without testing.)

David was dearly afraid he’d get hauled away to juvenile hall or another facility. We stood with him.

Two months later we have experienced no other incidents of theft. In the coming posts, I’ll discuss the how and why of that. Because the power of our transformation was incredible for his mother and I.

I admit, there are times when both mom and I revert to our old ways, but we do recover. We are all much happier with this version of our life.

We aren’t done by a long shot, but admitting that will be one of the keys to long term success.

Part of our transformation as parents came from reading two books. The first, Born Broken by Kristin Berry. The second came later, Confessions of an Adoptive Parent. There were a number of other books that I began reading and am working my way thru. Books such as The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. I have also read a lot of information about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES).

There are so many books to read, I prefer mine on the Kindle as much as possible. I don’t make any money off the mention of any of these books or products.

One more thing. If you have time, I strongly recommend you browse over to Confessions of an Adoptive Parent. Mike and Kristin get it. They get it because they have lived experience.

more to come.

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Breaking hearts, practicing tough love with our son

Breaking our hearts to practice tough love with David.
He called home for the first time since he was placed in detention. Full of tears, and a story about how he banished the bad version of himself.
Breaking Hearts

Cook County Juvenile Detention Facility & Court (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the first hearing, he didn’t want to talk to us. During the second, he said hello.

He isn’t happy there in the detention center. Nothing to do and in bed by 6pm. He claims they won’t let him read or do anything. And he can’t visit with peers.

We can go visit him for an hour on Sunday. In order to visit, we have to give 24 hours notice.

He told me that he wasn’t getting his medicine. I talked to the staff and they said he wasn’t in compliance. So tomorrow, I’ll find out what that means. Because he needs his medicine and will have all sorts of problems if they don’t give it to him. So tomorrow, a Saturday, I’ll start trying to unravel that issue.

No contact from staff.

Why didn’t the detention center call and talk to me about a problem with his medicine? Or talk to his lawyer about it? Or his advocate who has talked to David more than I have this week. It will be difficult to do anything about it on the weekend.

Monday, I hope to get his psychiatrist and case manager to make sure that they have the medicine for him that he needs.

Super frustrated with so much about this experience, but we are staying the course.

David claims that he has banished the bad version of himself. That he will never assault anyone, or become violent again. He apologized for his behavior.

He said this before when he tried to crash our van on the highway two years ago. That same summer when he attacked me with the shovel he said the same thing. “I’ll never do it again.”

There was the time he threatened to stab me to death with a knife, and then when he said he was going to beat me with a stick. So, I am hesitant to believe him. If we cave and bring him home, we are showing compassion. If we cave and bring him home without consequence and then this happens again, what are we showing him? We forgive, and it happens again. So our breaking hearts are practicing tough love. You can forgive things that happen, but you never forget. The fear stays with you, like the smell of a dead skunk on the highway stays with you 20 miles after you have passed it.

This parenting this is sure hard.

Why did it happen after two years? Simple, he was in facility care. He had support staff all the time. Other than mentor support 10 hours a week, he doesn’t get support. Professionals claim he doesn’t need support.That he is getting all of the services that he needs. When he comes home from care, we have what we call a honeymood. It’s the period where things are golden.

My contention is that if he had support staff, Monday would have never happened.

Now, if we could only believe his apology. So many apologies over the years for the things he has done. For the attacks, both physical and verbal. I wish I could do like the facility recommended, and put the past behind me. To not let it hold over us, a fear of our son. Mom and I are in tears over this situation.

He needs to understand that there is acceptable behavior. Violence is not acceptable behavior. And for those who would argue that we shouldn’t let him play violent video games, or watch violent television. We don’t. On his x-box, he plays basketball. The most violent show he watches is NCIS.

Let us be clear. We don’t believe that the justice system is the place to get mental health care.

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The Hard Decision

I title this post “The Hard Decision” because we have had to make a difficult decision.

We made the decision to not bring David home on pass.

An expert in David’s disorder has recommended for safety reasons that David not come home.

So we have made the decision to refuse passes. At 15, as much as the facility would try to have us believe otherwise, David just doesn’t care.

I doubt that anyone at the facility has any idea just how difficult it is to do something like this. We have anguished about this decision since the recommendation first came from the doctor. If David was the only one we were concerned about, it would be a no-brainer to us, and we would bring him home all the time on pass. But without support at home, we just can’t put everyone at risk that way.

Put aside your fear

We were told to put aside our fear.

My question is this: How?

How do I forget him trying to beat me with a shovel? When will I forget him trying to crash the vehicle we were driving in because he was angry? How do I forget that he admittedly tried to kill our family pets, and those of his respite provider?

Can you forget?

I don’t honestly know what is going to happen when he is discharged. We are working on a plan of some kind, but I can’t share that here yet.

It’s not a simple thing to say no to a loved one, especially over the holidays, when we are all about family.

It is also incredibly easy for the facility to blame his behaviors on us not bringing him home on pass. If only that was the whole reason for him to behave this way. If that was the answer, don’t you think we would bend over backwards to keep him out of care?

We did that for the first 10 years of his life. For us, it’s a multifaceted reason. His mental health, his disability, my health, the mental health of the rest of the family, and so much more. Putting ideas into his head will not help him get better.

Where will you be?

I get that it is your job to advocate for him. What do you think my role is? We are both working toward the same goal, but remember, long after you have left the team, I will still be his father. I will still be fighting for him and what is best for him. Where will you be?