Tag Archives: fear

Breaking hearts, practicing tough love with our son

Breaking our hearts to practice tough love with David.
He called home for the first time since he was placed in detention.  Full of tears, and a story about how he banished the bad version of himself.
Breaking Hearts

Cook County Juvenile Detention Facility & Court

Cook County Juvenile Detention Facility & Court (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the first hearing, he didn’t want to talk to us. During the second, he said hello.

He isn’t happy there in the detention center.  Nothing to do and in bed by 6pm.  He claims they won’t let him read or do anything.  And he can’t visit with peers.

We can go visit him for an hour on Sunday.  In order to visit, we have to give 24 hours notice.

He told me that he wasn’t getting his medicine.  I talked to the staff and they said he wasn’t in compliance.  So tomorrow, I’ll find out what that means.  Because he needs his medicine and will have all sorts of problems if they don’t give it to him.   So tomorrow, a Saturday, I’ll start trying to unravel that issue.

No contact from staff.

Why didn’t the detention center call and talk to me about a problem with his medicine?  Or talk to his lawyer about it?  Or his advocate who has talked to David more than I have this week.  It will be difficult to do anything about it on the weekend.

Monday, I hope to get his psychiatrist and case manager to make sure that they have the medicine for him that he needs.

Super frustrated with so much about this experience, but we are staying the course.

David claims that he has banished the bad version of himself.  That he will never assault anyone, or become violent again.  He apologized for his behavior.

He said this before when he tried to crash our van on the highway two years ago.  That same summer when he attacked me with the shovel he said the same thing.  “I’ll never do it again.”

There was the time he threatened to stab me to death with a knife, and then when he said he was going to beat me with a stick.  So, I am hesitant to believe him.  If we cave and bring him home, we are showing compassion.  If we cave and bring him home without consequence and then this happens again, what are we showing him?  We forgive, and it happens again.  So our breaking hearts are practicing tough love.  You can forgive things that happen, but you never forget.  The fear stays with you, like the smell of a dead skunk on the highway stays with you 20 miles after you have passed it.

This parenting this is sure hard.

Why did it happen after two years?  Simple, he was in facility care.  He had support staff all the time. Other than mentor support 10 hours a week, he doesn’t get support.  Professionals claim he doesn’t need support.That he is getting all of the services that he needs. When he comes home from care, we have what we call a honeymood.  It’s the period where things are golden.

My contention is that if he had support staff, Monday would have never happened.

Now, if we could only believe his apology.  So many apologies over the years for the things he has done.  For the attacks, both physical and verbal.  I wish I could do like the facility recommended, and put the past behind me.  To not let it hold over us, a fear of our son.  Mom and I are in tears over this situation.

He needs to understand that there is acceptable behavior.  Violence is not acceptable behavior.  And for those who would argue that we shouldn’t let him play violent video games, or watch violent television.  We don’t.  On his x-box, he plays basketball.  The most violent show he watches is NCIS.

Let us be clear.  We don’t believe that the justice system is the place to get mental health care.

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Pictures in my mind

baby-22194_1280Recently a picture that was posted in my Dad Blogger group on facebook triggered a memory from when David was very little.  We didn’t know that he would eventually become our son.  I was holding David, he had fallen asleep.  Before I knew it, I was sleeping.  I woke when he fussed.  It is a precious memory for me, one that I cherish.

It reminds me of how simple life was.  Before mental health issues entered the picture.  Before he began threatening violence against the family.

I don’t know what is in store for my son.  I wish that I did.  I wish that I could see the future.  But I can’t.

What I do know.  I love my son.  I care very deeply about what he is dealing with, and wish that I could erase all of the bad things from his mental life.

In the last few days, I have had people tell me that they admire my strength, my bravery, my confidence that we will get through this.

Want to know a secret?

I don’t feel brave.  I don’t feel strong.  I feel that I have lost confidence in my ability to parent.

There is something about having to call 911 and say “my son is threatening to beat me with a shovel” that makes you think that you have lost the ability to parent your child.

People say that I should sue.  Sue who?

  1. His birth mom for doing drugs while pregnant?
  2. The county for placing David up for adoption when the birth mom would have nothing to do with him?
  3. The foster mom who loved him and treated him like her own son?
  4. The case worker who helped us through the adoption process?
  5. The first psychiatrists we took him to when we realized that something wasn’t quite right?
  6. The teachers who tried to work with him?
  7. The teacher who refused to work with him?
  8. The education professional who locked him in a room in the school and watched him through a window?
  9. The facility who worked to help him, and then released him after he successfully completed their program?
  10. The school professional who refused to let him back into the school when he came home?
  11. The next facility who worked with him for more than a year and then recommended a transfer to another facility for continued care?
  12. The last facility for discharging him under the direction of a company in Tennessee who acted under the authority of the state Medicaid program?
  13. Ascend Management Innovations for refusing to authorize the Certificate of Need in July that would have seen him in a facility on July 7th which would have prevented some of the events of this week?
  14. Or the doctors and therapists who have worked with us, in some cases failed miserably, this year?
  15. Myself and his mom?  For loving a little boy as our own?

Because if I start suing people, I need to start somewhere.  And I need to stop somewhere.  So who gets hit?

It sucks, it really does.  Last night the psychiatrist recommended getting David placed in a detention center until a bed is available.  Unless he actually hits me with the shovel, that isn’t an option.

And you know what?  David is slated for a bed that will hopefully be available by Oct 1.  Two things to remember about that bed.

  • the current occupant might need it longer.
  • Ascend Management Innovations could deny the Certificate of Need and not allow him the bed.

Then what do we do?

It is a terrible, terrible thing to live in fear.

I know that the mental picture I have of me holding David in my arms can never be had again, but I could do without the fear.

I don’t put a lot of religion in my writing, but I ask that each of my readers pray for David.  Pray for the family.  I do.  Daily.  And whether you are an atheist or the clerk of court in Rowan County Kentucky, positive thoughts work just as well.

I will continue to fight for David’s care.  For the safety of the whole family, which includes David.

Thank you for reading.

the most haunting sound

I never thought I would hear a sound so haunting as the sound of my son laughing at me when I was laying on the ground bleeding after having fallen while trying to calm him down and protect him from himself.

I pray that you never hear the sound of your child laughing at you when you are asking him or her to get help.  Taunting you.