Recently a picture that was posted in my Dad Blogger group on facebook triggered a memory from when David was very little. We didn’t know that he would eventually become our son. I was holding David, he had fallen asleep. Before I knew it, I was sleeping. I woke when he fussed. It is a precious memory for me, one that I cherish.
It reminds me of how simple life was. Before mental health issues entered the picture. Before he began threatening violence against the family.
I don’t know what is in store for my son. I wish that I did. I wish that I could see the future. But I can’t.
What I do know. I love my son. I care very deeply about what he is dealing with, and wish that I could erase all of the bad things from his mental life.
In the last few days, I have had people tell me that they admire my strength, my bravery, my confidence that we will get through this.
Want to know a secret?
I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel strong. I feel that I have lost confidence in my ability to parent.
There is something about having to call 911 and say “my son is threatening to beat me with a shovel” that makes you think that you have lost the ability to parent your child.
People say that I should sue. Sue who?
- His birth mom for doing drugs while pregnant?
- The county for placing David up for adoption when the birth mom would have nothing to do with him?
- The foster mom who loved him and treated him like her own son?
- The case worker who helped us through the adoption process?
- The first psychiatrists we took him to when we realized that something wasn’t quite right?
- The teachers who tried to work with him?
- The teacher who refused to work with him?
- The education professional who locked him in a room in the school and watched him through a window?
- The facility who worked to help him, and then released him after he successfully completed their program?
- The school professional who refused to let him back into the school when he came home?
- The next facility who worked with him for more than a year and then recommended a transfer to another facility for continued care?
- The last facility for discharging him under the direction of a company in Tennessee who acted under the authority of the state Medicaid program?
- Ascend Management Innovations for refusing to authorize the Certificate of Need in July that would have seen him in a facility on July 7th which would have prevented some of the events of this week?
- Or the doctors and therapists who have worked with us, in some cases failed miserably, this year?
- Myself and his mom? For loving a little boy as our own?
Because if I start suing people, I need to start somewhere. And I need to stop somewhere. So who gets hit?
It sucks, it really does. Last night the psychiatrist recommended getting David placed in a detention center until a bed is available. Unless he actually hits me with the shovel, that isn’t an option.
And you know what? David is slated for a bed that will hopefully be available by Oct 1. Two things to remember about that bed.
- the current occupant might need it longer.
- Ascend Management Innovations could deny the Certificate of Need and not allow him the bed.
Then what do we do?
It is a terrible, terrible thing to live in fear.
I know that the mental picture I have of me holding David in my arms can never be had again, but I could do without the fear.
I don’t put a lot of religion in my writing, but I ask that each of my readers pray for David. Pray for the family. I do. Daily. And whether you are an atheist or the clerk of court in Rowan County Kentucky, positive thoughts work just as well.
I will continue to fight for David’s care. For the safety of the whole family, which includes David.
Thank you for reading.