The answer should be yes. Not "how can I get my loved one help?"

Tag Archives: sahd

working on non-profit status

We have been mostly quiet here at Why Not Fathers.  Rest assured things have been busy.

Currently we are working on incorporating Why Not Fathers as a non-profit.  We are hoping that this will open up opportunities for speaking and further engagement.

Potential speaking engagements include the following topics:
fatherhood
adoption – both as a parent and as a child
autism
reactive attachment disorder
autoimmune disorders – Lupus.
advocacy
stay at home dad
using social media to connect with others who are experiencing similar events
disability and you
taking care of your own mental health
working with the school to achieve a middle ground

I am sure that there are other topics that aren’t mentioned here, so please don’t take this list to be all inclusive

 

Dreams and other things

Each night, as I lay down to sleep, I dream that I hear David moving around in the house.  He hasn’t been home since October 3, but still.  I feel the urge to get up and check on him.  To shine my light near where his head ought to be.

My nightly ritual used to entail a book, a light, a flashlight, slippers, and my pj’s.  I would check on David, then curl up in a chair near his sleeping form and read.  The flashlight was because he could be sneaky, and I might need to shine the light somewhere quick.

Then I got a Kindle Fire.  Didn’t need the light anymore. 🙂  as long as it was charged, I was good to go.

English: Two flashlights commonsly used by the...

English: Two flashlights commonsly used by the United States Marine Corps. The left is a plastic Vietnam War-era “moonbeam”, bought by recruits and powered by D-cell batteries. The right is a new tactical flashlight, issued by the Corps and powered by AA-cell batteries. It uses Light-emitting diodes to project five different intensities of white, red, blue, and infrared light, including a strobe function and a helmet mount. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David has the knack for sneaking around.  he got be more times than I could count, and since he is an amateur locksmith, a part of the nightly ritual entailed checking to make certain that all of the cupboard locks were still locked, and that the fridge lock was still in place.

After that, a quick peak in bedrooms to ensure that David hadn’t achieved magical status and stole into their rooms to root through their belongings.

If something had gone missing the day previous, I would spend part of the night searching for it.  More often than not, it was in David’s things.  And since he liked to hide stuff everywhere, sometimes the best way to find stuff was to wake him in the middle of the night and see if he had stuff hidden on his person or in his bed.

I don’t know.  I miss David.  I don’t miss the behaviors, I don’t miss the battles that neither side wins.  I miss seeing his smiling face and wondering what devious mischief he got into.

Even 7 months later, we still occasionally find things that David had stolen and hid.

As much  as I miss David, I love the fact that our other kids finally feel safe enough to come out of their rooms.  Tonight a couple of the kids played on the Wii.  Something that they hadn’t felt able to do for a long time.

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Who makes major life decisions

for our son?

Turns out, it may not necessarily be his mother or myself.

Quite frankly, it may not be the team of psychiatrists or other professionals associated with his case.

It for sure doesn’t seem to be the psychiatric residential treatment center where he is a resident, or the school where he is in attendance.

So then who is it?  Is it some bureaucratic policy that is defined by people who have no knowledge or understanding of our son?  Yep.  You guessed it.  There is this small thing called a Certificate of Need.  If the certificate gets denied, he gets booted from the facility.

Why?

It isn’t up to the facility.  Since David was a Special Needs adoption, he qualified for Medicaid until he turns 18.  That is in his adoption decree.

We knew going into the adoption that he was a special needs child.    Do you know what was special needs about him?  He is a mixed race child.  Not much of a special need is it?  That one thing qualified him to be a Special Needs adoption.  Everything else about his needs showed face long after the paperwork was signed.

Would it have made a difference in our decision to adopt him?  As much as I love David, I don’t honestly know the answer to that question.

That simple fact saddens me to no end.  If I am honest with myself, I would say no.  Everyone deserves a forever family regardless of disability.

Would I subject the rest of our kids to David, his moods, aggressive behavior and constant barrage of thievery?  I don’t know.  If I am honest with myself, I would say no.  Kids deserve a safe home environment.  Having David at home isn’t a safe option for him, his siblings, mom or dad.

What keeps me awake at night?  What thoughts haunt my dreams?

What happens if the certificate is denied?

There literally is no other place for him to go.  Not until he is older.  There will be a point where he can be adjudged to be in violation of the law, and placed in a penal institution of some kind.  Those places don’t focus on the mental health reasons for a child’s actions.  They assume everything is behavior based.  Sure it is a behavior that gets him into trouble, but what is the underlying reason for the behavior?

If he kills an animal, he hasn’t.. but if he does.  That is an action.  Why did it happen?  Could it be because he has no feelings of empathy, or remorse?  Because he may not value life?  If he attacks, why did he attack?  Is it a defense? If it is a defense, why does he feel the need to defend himself?

In a case like David’s we aren’t stuck.  We will continue to fight for the best possible care for him, whatever that means.  On the same hand, we will fight for the safest environment for all of our kids, including David.  Right now, home isn’t the safest place for anyone where David is concerned.  I think that all of his care team is on the same page about that.  Ultimately, I would love it if David would come home to live.  The one thing that we will not do is – give up on David.  He deserves better than that from us.

Mental Health Awareness Ribbon

Mental Health Awareness Ribbon

To me that seems altruistic.

Is it?

We all have hopes and dreams regarding our children.  I find hope in my prayers that David will continue to be a resident of the facility.  That someone at the state level who decides the validity of a certificate of need will heed our cries for help and continued stability in David’s life.  He deserves that much.  He didn’t ask to have the mental health and emotional disabilities that he has.

In the mean time, we are going to start recording a story to be read to David everyday.  This will be helpful in that he doesn’t sleep like other kids.  So, there is no telling for sure when he will need a bedtime story.  Most of the time, we are going to do it over the phone.  Ideally, as the weather stabilizes into Spring, once in a while I hope to travel there and read to him in person.

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