One of the difficult things about raising a child like our son, David, is that the love that we feel for our son will likely never be reciprocated. It isn’t that he doesn’t bond with people, he just doesn’t bond with family. It is a facet of the attachment disorder. He is more likely to bond with a complete stranger, at least briefly, than he is to develop a bond with us. This is our reality. Just as we can’t force him to modify his behavior, we can’t force him to feel any kind of love or feeling toward the family. As a piece of that, he understands that telling someone, “I will take a knife and stab you” is not appropriate. He shows no remorse for saying it. To him it is no different than saying “the sun is shining”. It’s tragic really. The only thing that he regrets
I cried today. I cried while mowing my lawn. Mowing gives you time to think. The drone of the mower is perfect for masking thoughts, for allowing them a fertile breeding ground. I cried for David. For the little boy who wants so desperately to be loved, yet pushes away and punishes those who love him most, his family. I cried for the hope that is diminishing a little each day. A hope that he will see that what he is doing is wrong, and the way he treats people is wrong. I cried out in prayer. Something that I do everyday. Pray. Does God hear my prayers? I believe that he does. I believe that David was brought into our lives for a reason. Ours is not to question why. Yet we struggle daily with his behaviors, his attitude, the words he says, the things he does. We struggle.
So I get called every Friday night. at 10:30. I asked for it to be that late in the day. It is just me. Every one else is asleep. I can talk freely about David, his week, his needs and make recommendations for the staff. Last week, David called and told us about this girl who he thinks has a crush on him. He wanted to know what I thought he should do. So I explained. It is ok for a girl to like you. It is ok for you to like a girl. It is probably against the rules in your facility for you to have a girlfriend. So this week, during the report, he primary said that he is different this week than they have ever seen. Not asking for snack, not eating his favorite snack. Appearing sullen and withdrawn. And the staff thought that they heard David