The answer should be yes. Not "how can I get my loved one help?"

Category Archives: Reactive Attachment Disorder

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David has entered the psych unit.

tube style shoelace

tube style shoelace (Photo credit: sand dragon)

David has been really struggling lately with his mental illnesses.  I use plural for a reason.

Today, a lot happened.  He became combative.  It took four adults to restrain this 80 pound boy.  He becomes very strong when he is on this part of his “cycle”.  Meds don’t work, calming techniques don’t work.  The only solution is to put him in psych until he is stable again.

I applaud his care team for taking this step.  They didn’t do it without talking to his parents first.  In fact, it was our idea based on what they told me he was doing.  It is not a healthy thing for him to continue on this path, so we need to make some changes.

A major reason that we did determine to place him in psych was that he took his shoe laces and wrapped them around his neck.  tightly.  He has scars on his hands from where he has hurt himself in the past.

So if you would, please a prayer for our son.   We have to remember that the meds are there to stabilize him.  Not cure him.  There is no cure, only stability.

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A time to seek forgiveness?

I have been really struggling this week.

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Struggling with my hatred for an individual I have never met.

Since I have left this hatred in my heart, I believe that it is affecting my health. I need to let it go.

No amount of hatred can undo the damage that was done to David in the 9 month period that she had custody of his body before he was born.  No amount of hatred will make him whole.  So why be hateful?

Ghandi said it best. “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting.  All we have to do is look into David’s eyes to remember.  All we have to do is to remember that without her, we wouldn’t have this child to call our son, our brother, our family.

All of our energies should be spent helping David achieve everything that he can, rather than hating the person who made him the way he is through her time of weakness.

I will work everyday to let go of the hatred.

I seek forgiveness for allowing the hatred to consume my heart.  My family deserves better from me.

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Your son doesn’t have an attachment to your family.

Today we had family therapy.

"The mother"

“The mother” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The therapist asked if she could bring in David’s equine therapist during the last half hour.  I responded with, I have no problems with that.  The equine therapist wanted to talk to me about something that she wasn’t comfortable addressing in front of the whole team at the CRC meeting.  The CRC meeting is where we staff David’s case each month.

It is the opinion of the equine therapist that David has no attachments to anyone in the family.  To the point where he sometimes can’t remember names of the other kids.  While on one hand this is very sad, it isn’t something that we didn’t anticipate. We know David has attachment issues.  We know this because we have spent over 11 years with the young man and are aware of his blessings.  That said, it is nice that someone outside of the family is recognizing this.

I am not under any illusions that David will suddenly miss the family.  Our visits with David are as much for the rest of the family as they are for David.

To be honest, and I quite literally hate myself for thinking this, our family is better off with David in a placement than we would be if he was home.  We can’t provide the level of structured care that he requires.  It just isn’t something that can be done in a regular home environment.

I explained this to both therapists.  It isn’t that we don’t love and care for or about David.  It is just that we can’t do it alone.  We, and especially David deserve better than that.  David didn’t ask to be this way.  He was born this way.  It is a birth affect.  I can’t call it a birth defect, because it isn’t a birth defect.  There is a mystery in the brain that doesn’t allow for mistakes in fetal development.  That much is certain.

Birth mom, through her need to get high, affected David’s whole life.  His personality is such that he doesn’t feel remorse, love, and he doesn’t form attachments to people, or places.  Life just is.

Hard for me to comprehend all of this.   While it isn’t unexpected, it still comes as a shock to hear a professional acknowledge what you know in your heart to be true.  “Your son, who you love, has no attachment to you.  It isn’t anything you or the foster-parent did, it is the way he was born.”

Then why do I feel so awful about this situation?  I want to wave a magic wand and make it all better, sadly that only exists in fairy tales.  In the end, we discussed the attachment disorder with the whole team.  We can’t force him to find love in his heart.  He isn’t wired for love.

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