Category Archives: Reactive Attachment Disorder

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Beginning to Transform Our Parenting Style

Transform Parenthood – the beginning

In my last post, I shared the beginning stages of how we transform ourselves as parents. I also talk about the impetus behind the transformation. Like I stated in that post, making the decision to transform  your style as a parent is easy. Following thru is something else entirely.

Do What is Right, Not What is Easy.

Right for David is being the in the community with his peers. Public school. Mainstream classes.

It means trust where none existed before.

In addition it means that we need to be accepting of the fact that things will happen.

It means holding David accountable while basically ignoring the incident for a minimum of 24 hours, though 48 hours is better.

On his first day of school in the new district, David asked for an aide to support him. We told the school staff that there was a risk that he would steal a cell phone. David explained that an aide would help him stay on task and out of trouble. Initially it was denied.

While it may appear that we are letting David get away with whatever he wants to do, the reality is far different. What we do, if something happens, is diffuse his anxiety over being “punished”.  We basically call a timeout for the incident. This is only to prevent a build up of his anxiety  and by diffusing the situation, we then reduce the likelihood that he will erupt in violence or very negative behaviors that have accompanied past confrontations of any kind.

By removing as much anxiety and restricting the violent response he is able to calm himself. At the end of the “calming” period, we address what he might have done differently in a given situation. Because of the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, he has little to no executive function processing. As a result he has difficulty relating consequences of any kind to a specific behavior or incident.

Transform

An example. On March 20, David stole a cell phone. He lied about taking it. Then he denied it. Following the denial he shared what were for him intact memories around the event that didn’t actually happen. This false memory is called “confabulation“. Because of the confabulation, he was charged with theft. He was also charged with lying to law enforcement.

made that up

The punishment he received from the school was immediate. Out of school suspension. Because of the timing of the event, he had a weekend between the event and the punishment commencing. We used this time to distract him and decrease his anxiety.  Any compulsive behaviors we might have experienced had then been mitigated by the distraction.

For David, the suspension was a non-event.

Eventually we had court for the charges. David received six months of probation. Again, he was accepting of the punishment.

Fast forward two months later. It is now the end of the school year and his grades are in. The grade report is strong enough that he isn’t required to take finals. This opportunity to avoid finals was cancelled. In it mind it was no relation to the cell phone that he stole. It was and is entirely tied to his out of school suspension.  There is no correlation between the incident with the cell phone, and the out of school suspension. He simply doesn’t have the ability to tie the two together. For most people it is intuitive, for him it is part of the organic brain damage caused before he was born.

Punishment

So, what punishment did mom and I give him?

Do what is right. Not what is easy

None.

Mom and I decided that the punishment he had been given thru both the school and the courts was sufficient.  We actually followed thru with our plan to give him a cell phone. Something we had planned to do the Saturday immediately following the incident.  Sure we could have delayed, but why? We asked ourselves one simple question; “What would we have gained?”

Symptoms

The symptoms he displayed the day of the cell phone incident are part of his disability. On the day of the incident, once I calmed him down enough to be able to have a conversation with him and help him to understand the need to return the cell phone he gave up its location.

By assuring him that we had his back, and would stand behind him, we were able to decrease his anxiety. Which also decreased his “fight or flight” instinct. All of this allowed him to respond without becoming explosively violent.

We celebrated that!!!

More to come.

Where is the failure? Thoughts on FASD

A year ago, David was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD). It’s a developmental disorder he was born with because of the birth mom’s drug and alcohol usage during the pregnancy. If he had been diagnosed before age 3, he would have DD services. Right now, because he didn’t have that diagnosis, he doesn’t qualify. It is their belief that he is capable of being entirely self-sufficient. and he isn’t. He may be 16 physically, but he is about 6 or 7 in most ways, and 8 or 9 in others. In every other way, he qualifies for DD services.  Except, depending on the day and his affect, his IQ scores too high.  I make the argument that an IQ score alone doesn’t indicate self-sufficiency.

FASD

 
Initially, for the first 9 years, we fought to keep things “normal” for him, which meant that while we saw doctors, we did everything at home. Right up until he started increasing the level of violence toward others. In my mind, that includes everything that has happened.  This blog was started about that time.  So there is a complete history of our time, my thoughts and everything else since then written in these pages. All of the struggles, all of the heartache, both for David and the rest of the family.
 
as a result, we subjected the rest of the family, and David to so my more than they needed to experience. So I am left wondering, did we fail the rest of the kids? did we fail David?
 
All I can do, is attempt to make life better.
 
As a dad, for a long time, I saw my role as the fixer.  I can’t fix what is wrong with David.  I wish I could fix what is wrong with the system.  It has cost me my health.

Do it again?

People ask me, “if you knew then, what you know now, what you know now, would you still adopt?”

Yes.  Why?  Because his life, and thus our life would be entirely different.  He would have had support at home.  We would have had support at home.  Is it our failure for not fighting harder for services?  We adopted him locally.

David deserves better.  All kids deserve better.

Better

In my mind, FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) are the most preventable Developmental Disorder known to health science.    It takes so little to prevent this condition.  All the mom has to do if she is trying to get pregnant, is pregnant or even THINKS she is pregnant, is stop doing the drugs, stop drinking, and get prenatal care.  David will have to live with what his birth mom did to satisfy her own selfish cravings.
Yes, I understand that addiction is very difficult to live with.
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Don’t give up on me.

With those few words, “Don’t give up on me.” David ended our phone call tonight.

Dad, don’t give up on me.

I assure him each time that I won’t.  He is our son and will always be our son.  See today he admitted to assaulting his mom.  If he had been adult, he would have been guilty of a felony.

Look closely, this is not what people with developmental disabilities should go through

As it is, he is in a detention center where he has been since March 27th.  On Friday he will move to what is called a safe bed, which will allow him a bit more freedom, as well as a chance to get back on his medication.  (why the detention center for youth doesn’t give him his medications like they are prescribed is a fight for another day).  Then next Tuesday, he will be moving to a Youth Home in another city.

See.  For the longest time, we (his whole team) has referred to his condition as a mental illness.  And really, it’s more than that.

It’s a developmental disability.  His brain was harmed during development.  There is no “cure” for that.  There is maintenance and long term support. His condition is known as FASD  (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder)  it’s a condition visited upon him by his birth mom.  Because she chose to do drugs and drink while she was pregnant.  He went through withdrawals immediately after birth.

So with the upcoming placement we are hoping that he will get support.  That he will again stabilize and become the best version of himself that he can be.  He knows his brain is different.

Seeing him locked in the detention center has been difficult.  To have him in waist chains and handcuffs is very difficult to see.  This is not where he needs to be.  In truth, there isn’t really a place for the kids like him, kids who will grow into adulthood without a place in their world where they can be the best version of themselves.  Places that aren’t jail.

He needs ongoing support.  His executive functioning isn’t what the average person has, and he needs an external subconscious telling him to think about what he is doing.  To reconsider the actions he is undertaking.  This is done with staff support.

Don’t give up on me.

It’s not free.  It’s not cheap.  But for his world, it will be infinitely better than being in jail.  In jail, he will be even more vulnerable to the influences of more “powerful forces and people” who would take advantage of him.  He desperately wants friends, even though he really doesn’t understand the concept.  The people he calls his friends are not good for him, and influence him to do things that are wrong.  Support staff can help with that.

I could see David being a video game tester.  He could be very successful at that, and he would never have to leave his house to do it.  Success for David will look very different from what his peers will experience.  And you know what?

That’s okay.  Nothing wrong with that.

So David.  I say this to you.

We won’t give up on you.  Don’t you give up on you either.

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