The answer should be yes. Not "how can I get my loved one help?"

Author Archives: David's Father

About school – Remember Pakistan

I talked to my boys this morning about school.

32-p1I said, “imagine wanting to go to school so bad that you will risk attending even when there is a chance that someone with religious ideals that are different from yours might decide to take over the school and blow it up, along with the students inside.”

My middle son, commented, “it would make me not want to go to school.”

So this morning, as we embrace our comfortable lives, and wrap our hands around the warm cup of coffee, let’s remember those 12 to 16 year old boys who were killed this morning.  The danger for these young people and their teachers isn’t over.  Authorities are actively working to render the rest of the school complex safe.  And the death toll may rise.

130 your people killed.

For what?

Yet these young people go to school everyday with that risk in the forefront of their minds.

It’s not our fault.

whoa! stop!Most of my readers know me from facebook.  I am in a number of groups there, and while I would love to list them all here, it would break some aspects of confidentiality for me to do so.

What I see most often in the groups that I am a part of is:  “part of this is my fault.  If I had done this, or that, he/she wouldn’t have had the meltdown.”  When you are dealing with a child that has a mental illness, things happen that are beyond our control.  Even if said child is biological rather than adopted.

I tell my readers here the same thing as what I tell those in my various groups.

“It is not our fault.”

Simply words really.  Unless you directly caused the trauma that made your child the way he or she is, it really is not your fault.  As a parent, we all establish rules and guidelines that we expect the people in our homes to follow.  This especially applies to our children.  Sure some of the rules are more fluid than others, but most are there for a reason.  To teach accountability, to accept accountability, and to ensure both safety and good health.

At it’s most basic any rule or guideline created would fall into those four areas.  Right?

Sleep.  – Be asleep by 8:30.  It may not ensure the good health of anyone but the parent, but all kids need sleep.  (even our son David who can stay awake for days on end.)

Food – Food is a necessary part of health.

Safety – Don’t run with scissors, knives or other sharps.

Homework – accountability – don’t do it?  fail a course.  fail enough courses, you don’t advance a grade with your peers.

You get the idea.  At a basic level most rules fall into those four areas.

Some rules also exist for the parents.  What do you suppose that those rules might be?  I am not talking about government regulations, as we all know that they exist and apply in all cases.  But there are other rules.

Can you care for your children if you are in poor health?

Can you care for your children if you are sick or in the hospital?

Can you provide for your children if the same applies?

Can you run your home in a structure environment that your  child will thrive in?  Like a prison?

Who would ultimately be responsible if your child hurt someone?  Sure the child would be punished, but how would you feel if your child hurt someone else?

David’s mom and I hold David accountable.  He is accountable for his behaviors.  In some ways that may not apply if he is in a manic state, but even then, he is still accountable.  For reasons of safety, both mine and the rest of the family, he is in residential placement.

It is a fact of reality in our world.  Do I wish that I could change it?  Hell yes, what parent wouldn’t want to take mental illness away from their child?  Hell, any illness.

By placing David in care, we aren’t giving up on him.  Far from it.  We are actively seeking any help that we can get for him.  Are there parents who place their children and then walk away?

Yes.

Are they bad people?  No.  At least I don’t think so.  I am not in their situation.

As I close this piece, remember one key thing.  Repeat it to yourself many times.

“It’s not our fault.”

update – positive news

teeter totter & swingsStaff called tonight.

David was in a good place to talk to me tonight.  When he is manic, it just isn’t a good idea.

 

David addressed his concerns.

  1. Doesn’t want to be there for another 6 months to a year.
  2. Thinks that he is being lied to.
  3. Doesn’t understand why we aren’t coming out for Christmas.
  4. Wants a Nintendo DS for Christmas.

 

 

 

In truth.  Before David can come home, not only does he need to work his treatment plan, but he also needs to avoid outbursts, and learn to identify when he is starting a manic episode if he can.

In addition to that, before he can come home, there needs to exist, a residence that is similar to the facility he is in currently.  One that will provide him a step-down or transition to home.  A place from where we can stage home visits.  Where he can eventually be returned to public school.  Which will also mean getting his home school district involved, and get them to a point where they are comfortable with him in their facility.  Let’s face it, if they aren’t comfortable with him being there, things are just going to go right back where they were.

I explained each of these things to him.  I also explained them to his staff.  His time there is determined by two things.  One which he can control to an extent, and one he can not.

In the coming months, I plan to approach my legislators to see if funding can be available to establish a residence hall in one of the facilities in our state for kids like David.  Kids who are out of state, in care, and need a facility from which to transition either home, or to a group home or less restrictive environment.

This is my mission in life.  We didn’t ask for him to be placed 500 miles from home.  He is there, because there were no other viable options.