Tag Archives: Health

Difficulties

I have some difficulties.

I am so used to being up all night with him that even when he isn’t home, I can’t sleep.

Odd, it even happens if I am staying in hotels.  There, though, I invariably end up stripping the bed and sleeping on the couch in the room if there is one.

When David was in placement for two years, I still had difficulties with sleeping at night.

boy-828850_1280Sucks,  wasting perfectly good sleep time by being awake.  You know.  When I was in the U.S. Army, i could fall asleep as quick as I could shut my truck down.  A 15 minute snooze was like an hour or two of sleep.

Not so much any more, and maybe that is starting to affect my health in different ways.  Not sure.

Ah well.  Today is a good day.  Tonight I will get to visit David.  I miss him.  I just don’t miss the behavior.

Too bad he knows how to game the system to get released from the hospital.  He isn’t getting any help there when he is “good”.

Embrace the abilities he does have

keep-talking-about-mental-healthDavid came into our lives before we even considered adoption.  In fact, we originally were going to do foster care for kids like David.  This was long before we knew about the mental health issues that he has been diagnosed with.  He was special needs because of the way he was born, addicted to drugs.  And because of his race.

He was special to us because he was loveable.  He had a smile as bright as the sun and a ready laugh.  We had an in home daycare at the time, and occasionally did day care for his foster family.

If you look at pictures from his first birthday, we are there. Our whole family was.

When our home study was completed, we were told that we were approved for adoption and shown a portfolio of children that were available in our state.  Kids of all ages.  We had been cautioned that there was a good chance that we would not be able to adopt David.  We were cautioned against getting our hopes up long before our home study was completed.

The day we were approved for adoption… was magical.  I have no idea how else to explain it.  We had prayed that David would be available to us.  We were prepared to not have the opportunity to bring him into our home and hearts permanently.

After we had browsed the portfolio of children, we shed a few tears.  So many kids waiting for forever homes.  So many unfilled wishes.  Sadly we didn’t have the resources to take them all.  As we turned the last page, we learned that David had been released from the system and was available to adopt.

Over the years, with all of the trials that we have been through with him, I am saddened to realize that this could have all been prevented if his birth mom had wanted, and received proper addiction treatment.  She was high the day he was born, and he had to go through withdrawals after he was brought into this world.  They had to give him drugs to wean him off what she was taking.  Can you imagine?  minutes, hours old, and having to go through that?   It does little good to be angry with the birth mom.  Anger just eats at you until you are sick and no one wants to be around you.

In a lot of ways, I think that the rest of his life, while troubling to those around him, has been easy compared to the first few days.

I wish that it was possible to go back in time, and talk some sense into his birth mom.  No child deserves that treatment.  At any age.

It is one thing to be born with a hereditary mental illness, it is quite another to have that mental illness foisted upon you by a selfish person.

I have seen the curse of addiction first hand with an alcoholic in the family.

I have gone through drug use myself.  It is a life that we choose to begin, and need to work hard to end.

In the end, none of what happened to him prior to his birth can be fully blamed for his current behavior.  He needs to learn to control the impulses that he has been blessed with.

So many people hear and read David’s story and say poor, poor baby.  To an extent they are correct.  At some point he has to accept responsibility for his actions and the life that he can CHOOSE to lead.

Stealing is a choice.  How we treat the people around us is a choice.

David has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder in addition to the many other diagnoses that he has.  The attachment disorder stems not from the lack of a loving home environment and family.  Rather it comes from the fact that his birth mother never held him.  EVER.  Not once in his whole life has she hugged him to her body.  The ultimate rejection.

We can’t necessarily undo the damage that has been caused to his psyche.  We can help him learn how to deal with the damage.  How to turn it to a positive.  Seriously, his brain works in ways that I can’t begin to fathom, and at speeds that are incredible to comprehend.  He just needs to harness that energy.

Don’t pity David his different abilities.  Embrace the abilities that he has, and help him realize his whole potential.

In order to do this, we have to look outside of our home, our community and our schools occasionally to find more advanced techniques.  Not everyone is an expert on the subject of mental illness.

So, I close this rather long note with a thought.

That child with special needs?  Embrace the abilities that they have been given.  Help them achieve success and develop new abilities where possible.  Don’t give up.  There is always hope.  Sometimes, prayers are answered.

struggling and happy 3 month anniversary

This post isn’t so much about David as it is about me.  309839404_80_80

See for a long time, David was in a safe place.  A place where I didn’t have to worry as much.  I could get the weekly reports, I could talk to David, I would take the interceding calls, that told me of some event in his life, and quarterly, i would make the 7 hour drive to see him.

Now, he is home.  And even periods of what should be periods of deep sleep are interrupted by concern over what he is doing.  What he is into.  Where he is.  If he speaks, even if it is another room, chances are good I will hear it.

This isn’t healthy.

Yesterday, I told David to stay within sight of the back door.  Mom came home and he wrangled the opportunity to go to the neighbor’s house.  He stayed for supper.  And as much as David is capable of it, the boys who live there are friends.   At 7:30, I asked where David was.  Evidently he was given permission to be at the park, and was told to come home with the boys, since they had watches.  Long story short, he refused to come home.   I had to go get him.

And honestly, with any other child, this wouldn’t be an issue.  But.   David has a tendency to do things, and be in places he isn’t supposed to go.  So it is a big deal to us.  When we got home, he could not comprehend why it was an issue for him to be at the park unsupervised.

I could have attempted to make use of the safe bed in the capital city, but the last time I tried that, David ended up escaping, running up and down the street screaming just kill me.

So I feel like a hostage.  In two ways.  David.  and my health.

I have Systemic Lupus.  the stress of caring for him is beginning to have an adverse affect on my immune system.  Which isn’t the best to begin with.   I am not saying it is his fault.

It is what it is.

and it isn’t healthy.

My bride gives me the breaks that she can.  But since I am on disability, his care largely falls on my shoulders.  She has a full time job providing for our family.

So I am struggling.  I think that it is time to ask for help.  David won’t benefit from therapy, we have seen that in the past, unless it is intensive, long-term inpatient care, he responds negatively.

I don’t know what to do.

Talking to David about anything is an exercise in futility.  Unless he feels it has a personal benefit for him, he doesn’t care.

Happy 3 month anniversary.  3 months ago tomorrow, you came home.

I hate that I feel like this.   I am feeling so overwhelmed, that I shut down my facebook group for people with Lupus.   I have been denigrated by the people in that group, and while it saddens me, I will live with it.