The answer should be yes. Not "how can I get my loved one help?"

Category Archives: family choices

the value in flaws of the mind

I talk regularly about David’s mental health.  Flaws isn’t a good word for the way he is, or why he is the way he is.

Even though most days I am flummoxed by what to do with his behaviors, his mind has value.

Every mind has value.  Why?

With David, it is the simple things.  When he wants to be helpful, regardless of the reason, you can’t find a better helper.  If one of the pets is upset, he calms them down.  He can calm pets for other people, especially cats, including one that is especially standoffish to anyone except her owner.  He has a wicked sense of humor.  He can hear conversations from 30 feet away, even if they don’t concern him. He is a voracious reader.  A technology wizard.

Every mind has value, there is a purpose for everything that is in the world.  Sometimes we wonder at the reason for creating the issues that David has in the way that he has them, but there must be a reason.  Ours is not to reason why.

It would be altruistic of me to say that David will achieve something great one day.  In fact, I could easily see him in a prison setting.  I have to believe that he is a part of our family for a reason.  To give voice to the cause of mental illness.  To give voice to special needs children in foster care.  To give voice to those kids looking for forever homes in spite of their special need.

As a family we feel the impact of having David in our lives.  It isn’t always positive, and quite literally, most days are pretty awful.  Yet we persevere.  As a family we continue to work to get him the help and services that he needs to be the successful person that we believe that he can be.  Our other children are prime examples of the helpful and caring people we had always hoped to raise.  Our other children know empathy and as a result are more understanding of people with special needs.  Dare I say that they are more tolerant?  I am not sure.

It took David to open my eyes to the possibilities of helping others.  For that, I offer David my thanks.  I also offer my thanks to our other children, college age or not.  They each know who they are.  David has taught each of us a lesson that we should be forever thankful to have had the opportunity to learn.

nights like this

I have to wonder…

“Is this behavior that of a 13 year old boy, or his mental health?”

See our other two boys didn’t give us all the sass, back talk, attitude and behaviors.  Or maybe I just don’t remember the behaviors because we were so busy dealing with David’s issues.

Not sure if that is a blessing or not.

How can we turn bedtime into a struggle for right and wrong?

He claims to be funny, I think that he needs a visit with a bar of soap.

Alas, I bite my tongue.

If I raise my voice at all from a normal conversational tone, then he calls me out for yelling at him.  So I raise my voice a little louder in self-defense.

If I call him on his behaviors, he asks if he can pack a bag to save time tomorrow when I take him back to a residential facility.  I threaten to call one person to ask for advice on how to deal with him, and he takes that as a epic tragedy of Shakespearean proportions worthy of the Queen’s Court.

He claims to not have any clean clothes, yet there were no “dirty” clothes in the laundry.  Can’t find the pants we wore today, because we don’t know where they went, though he only took a shower at 8,  About 2 hours ago.

In the end, I say good night, give him a hug and say “the neat thing about tomorrow is you can have a fresh start.”

What I wish I could get him to understand is that all of this, this stuff, is just behaviors.  He claims we don’t want him, and in reality, if we didn’t want him, we sure wouldn’t have driven out to the facility to bring him home when they released him.

I take these moods, behaviors or whatever as a cry for love.  He is trying to push us away before we can do it to him.

When all we really want him to do is recognize that we are family.  That he is a part of us.  A part of a family.

In reality, he may never recognize that.

In reality, tomorrow is a brand new day.

It’s not our fault.

whoa! stop!Most of my readers know me from facebook.  I am in a number of groups there, and while I would love to list them all here, it would break some aspects of confidentiality for me to do so.

What I see most often in the groups that I am a part of is:  “part of this is my fault.  If I had done this, or that, he/she wouldn’t have had the meltdown.”  When you are dealing with a child that has a mental illness, things happen that are beyond our control.  Even if said child is biological rather than adopted.

I tell my readers here the same thing as what I tell those in my various groups.

“It is not our fault.”

Simply words really.  Unless you directly caused the trauma that made your child the way he or she is, it really is not your fault.  As a parent, we all establish rules and guidelines that we expect the people in our homes to follow.  This especially applies to our children.  Sure some of the rules are more fluid than others, but most are there for a reason.  To teach accountability, to accept accountability, and to ensure both safety and good health.

At it’s most basic any rule or guideline created would fall into those four areas.  Right?

Sleep.  – Be asleep by 8:30.  It may not ensure the good health of anyone but the parent, but all kids need sleep.  (even our son David who can stay awake for days on end.)

Food – Food is a necessary part of health.

Safety – Don’t run with scissors, knives or other sharps.

Homework – accountability – don’t do it?  fail a course.  fail enough courses, you don’t advance a grade with your peers.

You get the idea.  At a basic level most rules fall into those four areas.

Some rules also exist for the parents.  What do you suppose that those rules might be?  I am not talking about government regulations, as we all know that they exist and apply in all cases.  But there are other rules.

Can you care for your children if you are in poor health?

Can you care for your children if you are sick or in the hospital?

Can you provide for your children if the same applies?

Can you run your home in a structure environment that your  child will thrive in?  Like a prison?

Who would ultimately be responsible if your child hurt someone?  Sure the child would be punished, but how would you feel if your child hurt someone else?

David’s mom and I hold David accountable.  He is accountable for his behaviors.  In some ways that may not apply if he is in a manic state, but even then, he is still accountable.  For reasons of safety, both mine and the rest of the family, he is in residential placement.

It is a fact of reality in our world.  Do I wish that I could change it?  Hell yes, what parent wouldn’t want to take mental illness away from their child?  Hell, any illness.

By placing David in care, we aren’t giving up on him.  Far from it.  We are actively seeking any help that we can get for him.  Are there parents who place their children and then walk away?

Yes.

Are they bad people?  No.  At least I don’t think so.  I am not in their situation.

As I close this piece, remember one key thing.  Repeat it to yourself many times.

“It’s not our fault.”