Enough is Enough

I am reblogging this post from my friend Rob Gorski over at http://www.lostandtired.com  This is important to all Special Needs parents.  Our lives and the lives of our children are stressful.  A lot of what we do with our kids, we do with the full awareness of medical professionals.  We don’t like restraining our children, but sometimes it is necessary.  However, to suggest that we abusing our kids when you don’t take the time to adequately research the issues you think that you see.

People don’t understand what families go through every day.  So, Rob has chosen to be a teacher and educate the general public using his family as the lessons.  Is that so bad?  No.  I wish I had the strength and guts to do the same.

Keep up the good work Rob. What you are doing is important.

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I have decided to move this conversation into the public forum.  I’m doing so because I want to make sure there is a public record for what I have to say.  At this point,  I don’t want to leave any room for further misunderstanding and I want proof of what is going on.

Over the past few days this person has been harassing Lizze,  telling her that I’m abusive and that she needs to take the kids and move to a shelter.  These comments were posted to her youtube channel and we’re later deleted by the original author. Later, comments were left to some of my videos as well as right here on my blog.

I think introductions are in order. You already know who I am so now it’s time to shine the spotlight on the person that has choosen to insert herself into our lives.

I would like to introduce you to grandmasbabees or Diane Cxxxxxxxxx. She claims to be a writer,retired psychotherapist and college prof(psychology),former military behavior psychologist, grandma, mom,wife,kittymom, veteran(WAC), at least according to her twitter account. She has been posting comments to both Lizze and I’s youtube videos. While I firmly believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion, publicly accusing us of something that is both untrue and unfounded, is crossing the line. Continuing this for days, is a bit excessive.

Basically, I’m being accused of abusing Gavin and Lizze is being accused of allowing this to go on. Her approach to Lizze is encouraging her to basically grow a backbone, grab the boys and move to a shelter. She has chosen to play the advisory role to me.

Here are some of the comments she has left Lizze as well as the links to the YouTube videos they are attached to.

 

grandmasbabees has made a comment on Stolen van R 1.19.2012 Video Blog:

 

“get strong and protect gavin from your husbad, it is clear he emotionally abuses gavin, stop whining it is only a van that is what insurance is for, you ned to protect gavin”

grandmasbabees has made a comment on Meltdowns aren’t just for Gavin M 6.6.2011 5y:

“this is to you mom, you need to protect gavin from his stepfather clearly he is emotionally abusive and favors the other two. you are gavins mom take responsibility and defend and protect him, stop humiliating gavin all over the internet for “informational purposes” bullsh*t”

grandmasbabees has made a comment on Vlog June 24, 2011 12:53 PM:

“be strong for your boys, protect gavin, you can go to a shelter,, stop making excuses”

If you follow the links back to the comments page, you will find the comments have been removed. We never removed anything, I have to assume that it was the original author.

This woman seems very, very upset at the videos of Gavin having a meltdown. In all honesty, I can understand, that without bothering to read the posts attached to these videos, they could be misunderstood. However, if you’re going to be accusing me of abusing Gavin, I would suggest you do your research. If you are indeed a professional you would know that.

 

Here are some of the comments she has made to the videos on my YouTube channel.

 

grandmasbabees has made a comment on Autism and Routine:

“switch to target brand with no characters and tell him grover diapers all gone”

grandmasbabees has made a comment on Gavin Crisis 04 04 2012:

“i couldnt watch the whole thing so dont know the end… it looks like a battle of will between you two. i think it is too much on him. i would try to comfort him instead of drill sgt approach… you are not giving in to be kind and comfort”

grandmasbabees has made a comment on #Autism Meltdowns and selfinjury:

“you are too hard on him, so what about what others think your son has autism and this approach frustrates. you need to understsnd sensory, he hurts, he isnt being bad”

 

grandmasbabees has made a comment on Autism and Communication Struggles:

“seems like you are so much harder on the older one than younger one wondering if older boy is a step? in other videos my heart goes out to him”

grandmasbabees has made a comment on Another Meltdown:

“Have you considered that this child is in pain? Real pain? Sensory issues hurt. Consider comforting him, and never use food as punishment.”

While some of these comments are tactful and appropriate, others are clearly not. I was prepared to let these go and just not pay attention to them. However, she wasn’t done there. This comment was posted on my blog and subsequenlty reported by one of my readers.

 

This comment was in response to #Autism: Sexually Inappropriate Behavior

I have to be honest here, i have watched your UTube videos too, you are very hard on Gavin. You surely favor your biological boys, and perhaps you are looking for any excuse to get rid of Gavin? Own it, if you can’t stand him that is how you feel, perhaps foster care would be a better alternative for Gavin? When I see you make him sit on his hands for so long and not comfort him when upset, it breaks my heart. I really believe CPS shoud get invoved. And stop whining and asking for money. There are plenty of social service programs, call your County. If your wife can get onine and video blog she is well enough for you to work. Just sayin it like I’m seein it. Yes it is tough having special needs kids, but there is no excuse for how you treat Gavin.

 

This is when I began to really get frustrated. Now I realize this is just some random person online and I shouldn’t care…

However, Diane claims to be a professional and psychotherapist. If that is indeed the case this is even more concerning to me as she has or had, access to people in real life.

I posted earlier today asking for her to stop and contact me directly if she would like to discuss what’s bothering her. She did so in email form. I would like to respond to her email but I’m concerned that anything I write will be twisted to fit her agenda. So I have decided that it would be best to address this publicly. This way there is never any question as to how I handled this person and responded to her email.

 

This is the email I received a few hours ago.

 

I am mandated by law to report what I suspect as child abuse  To continue to film your stepstop gavin on you tube, in extreme emotional pain, for the profit of your website is horrible.  You please cease and desist publicly humiliating him and using him to promote your website.  There are numerous tapes where you have coldly filmed him in “meltdown” and made him sit on his hands until he falls asleep.  Be careful what you put out on the web.  People watch and will report.   I’m doing my research now, what I see I don’t like at all.  I am an advocate for austistic children.  And by the way, in your header, you mispelled “honesty” just letting you know.  You know who I am?  I know who you are, we are even.

Now, I would like to reply to this and hopefully put this to rest because I really do have bigger things to worry about.

Diane,

I really do appreciate your concern for Gavin. However, accusing me of abusing him and trying to convince my wife to take our boys and run to a shelter is beyond irresponsible. You haven’t bothered to actually research why I handle Gavin in the manner I do. I hate having to address him like that. I’ve said that many times before. However, things aren’t always as they seem on the surface. As a psychiatric professional, I’m sure your aware of that. Perhaps you simply forgot. It happens to the best of us.

I’m not going to justify my actions because I have already explained, countless times in the posts attached to the videos you are so concerned about. Read and you shall discover the information you are looking for.

You also expressed concern about me making Gavin sit on his hands. You even went on to say that he does this for so long that he falls asleep. That is simply a fabrication and I challenge you to show me where you have seen that. Having personally, been there when these events occurred, I can tell you that Gavin has never fallen asleep while sitting on his hands. The only reason Gavin sits on his hands is for his own safety. If he didn’t sit on his hands he would be punching himself in the face and slicing his face, arms and legs with his finger nails. He has been admitted for psychiatric care due to self-injurious behavior many times and this is very well documented. We have to ensure not only his safety but the safety of those around him. He only has to sit on his hands until he can keep his hands safe. It puts him in control of when he can get off his hands. This practice was born out of necessity, not a desire to treat him in a cruel fashion.

As far as the whole oatmeal thing goes, that was something we tried out of desperation. Gavin is not even close to your typical child with Aspergers, not that any are, as each are unique in their own right. Gavin is extremely complicated and has layer upon layer of mystery surrounding him. Again, if you were indeed a professional, you would have likely picked up on that already. However, you don’t need to be a professional to pick up on this. All you have to do is read from the literally hundreds and hundreds of posts here on this very blog about that very issue.

Gavin is a master of manipulation and very often uses these meltdowns as a means of trying to get what he wants. These meltdowns occur when he is being held accountable for his actions. I would never do anything to hurt any of my children and I’m honestly beside myself that a professional, such as yourself, would make such a public claim based on zero first hand knowledge and a knee-jerk reaction to something you saw on YouTube and clearly misunderstood.

If you are indeed an Autism advocate, you would likely know that your approach to this entire situation was flawed from the very beginning. Not only was your approach unprofessional but it was reckless as well. Someone in your position, shouldn’t handle themselves in the manner in which you have. What gives you the right to tell my wife to leave and go to a shelter? You have no idea why things are the way they are because you never bothered to investigate further.

My wife will be sharing her own thoughts when she is in a better place to do so. You have upset her greatly and caused her undo stress.

You have worn out your welcome and I will ask you once again to please go away.

**Thanks for reading**

       -Lost and Tired

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